THE UNPREDICTABLE INSTABILITY OF MELTDOWNS
I have four diagnoses that affect my mental health and they are Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, autism, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Highly Superior Autobiographical Memory (HSAM). In addition to those four conditions I also frequently experience meltdowns.
It’s very true that not every individual person with mental health conditions have meltdowns. However, I will briefly state the ways in which a significant number of people (including myself) can experience meltdowns, with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), autism, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and HSAM. There are other conditions which have equal potential to cause meltdowns as well. The only reason for why I have only included four particular conditions, is because I have personal lived experience of those.
Just like every other person, my only experience of life (and therefore my own perspective of what is the norm) is the way in which I myself have been since birth. Mental health conditions and disorders hardly ever exist alone in a person either. Very often disorders that affect the same region of someone’s brain (or general body) occur together.
At first, the four conditions/disorders that I have appear to work in unison. So describing all of the “hows and whys” for each one’s role to play when it comes to my meltdowns is far too complex, for this blog of a mere 500-1000 words. Yet to cut a very long story short meltdowns always occur from my frustrations with understanding conversation/change (which comes from my autism), regressing to moments of early trauma (which comes from my PTSD), being unable to take myself away from an issue/daily task while it is still unfixed (which comes from my OCD), and lastly those constant distractions of random flashbacks from my past that are extremely confusing and distracting (which comes from my HSAM).
The paragraph above describes (very briefly) the cause of my meltdowns. Though I can use just a single sentence to accurately explain what meltdowns are for me. Here I’ll simply say “I absolutely hate them”. Simple as that sounds, it is the best way in which I can personally explain the situation.
Meltdowns give me immense pain, emotionally and physically. While I am in the middle of a meltdown I cannot stop myself from screaming and thrashing around. Despite remaining in the same location on the floor, I’m still moving uncontrollably. During that primal state I have zero awareness of putting myself in danger. For instance I will involuntarily kick glass doors and tie blankets around my neck, as I have an instinctive need for the snug feeling that it gives me. In addition to all of this I feel extremely tired, sore, ashamed and embarrassed afterward.
Feelings of embarrassment arise when neighbours come to the door and/or tell me to be quiet; or if I’m out in public it makes me feel the same way when people stare and make comments. In regard to feeling ashamed, it’s difficult for me to accept that it will be impossible for me to live a fully independent life. Though after meltdowns I end up getting reminded of this fact.
Fortunately, I have had access to lifelong therapy and over the years I have found some very useful exercises to do, whenever I’m feeling the early warning signs of a potential meltdown. Warning signs for me tend to present themselves as feelings of intense anxiety, frustration, or more difficulties than usual with keeping up with conversations.
Taking myself away to ground myself does work very well for me most of the time. Yet there are other occasions when the exercises that I’ve learned don’t work, and those are the times when meltdowns are inevitable. Luckily there are only three kinds of situations where this is the case. It could be when I’m sat in a vehicle or in another place where I can’t take myself away, it could be one of those times when an immediate action is needed (with no time for me to ground my feelings), or it could be a case where the other person/people don’t understand my need to remove myself to ground. The difficulty in the latter situation is that the other person may express to me that they think my actions are rude; and feeling like I’ve hurt someone isn’t at all pleasant.
Though to end this on a positive note, my family and therapists assure me of one thing in particular. Even though I may not be able to completely eradicate meltdowns, I can use grounding and mindfulness exercises to reduce their frequency and intensity.